Thursday, May 23, 2002
Well helloooooooooo...
Only been at work for 2 hours, but it definitely feels like the day should be over. Boring job. Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring...it actually is more fun to write the word "boring" than it is to actually do anything else.
Yesterday was the day of horrible things. Besides the fact that I got into a fight with Paul, I went home and got into a huge fight with my father. We were having a very simple catch-up type conversation, when he brought up my brother being in the ARMY. He was like "You need to be the one to call him. You need to be strong for him. You need to have your interactions with him be on his terms, etc etc." I don't know what possessed me, but I was like: "I know that I need to be better to Winfield, but it is hard. I didn't ask for him to go into the ARMY. HE made that decision. HE put his life at risk. HE HE HE HE HE..."
My dad goes, "If Winfield dies over there, you will beat yourself up for it. And you will have a problem with yours and my relationship at that point". I was like: "That is not right. Winfield wanted to go to Wake Forest. Winfield wanted to serve his country. Winfield did this to himself!" My dad goes: "This conversation is over. Love you." CLICK!
And he hung up on me.
I sat there shocked for about 10 minutes not even moving. Just staring at the wall. Then I called back my parents house only to find out that my dad had taken the phone off the hook. I called and called and called, but to no avail. Then I went out to talk to Rita and just LOST IT. I mean, really lost it. I was screaming and sobbing and fell into complete hysterics. Even writing the words can't explain how intensely I lost it. For ten minutes, I just SCREAMED and CRIED. I was so angry at everything and was so sad and frustrated that I thought that I had gone off the deep end for good. It was awful. Rita was exactly what I needed. She sat there next to me, hugging me, rubbing my back, not saying anything except "I'm sorry...I'm sorry". She lit my cigarette for me and just kept rubbing my back, letting me go off for as long as I needed to. She was an angel from God.
Then I jumped up and decided to call my parents house again. The phone was back on the hook and my mom answered it. I continued to SOB and SOB. I told her to tell my dad to go "Fuck himself" that he is "an asshole" that just pushed me over the emotional edge. I screamed and sobbed to her for about an hour. She totally calmed me down. She said all the right things. Nothing I said or did even seemed to phase her. She was so patient and helpful. And she took my side, which I needed. She told me that my dad is in a really raw, emotional state right now. That he is acting extremely irrational and jumping down everyone's throats whenever the topic of my brother is brought up. He is scared to death and this fear is causing him to lose his mind.
That's a long story that I don't even want to get into.
My mom saved my life last night. And so did Rita. I felt so ALONE when my dad hung up on me. Paul had just hung up on me 2 hours earlier and I started to think that I was losing everything. That all of the headway that I have made was for nought. :(
By the end of the conversation, she actually had me laughing. SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME!
I got off the phone and went to talk to Rita who was curled up in her bed watching Mermaids. We talked for a couple minutes and she just hugged me and loved me. And then I didn't feel quite as alone anymore.
Thank God.
At one point during my numerous phone calls to my parents house (when the phone was off the hook), I called Paul just so that he could tell me everything was ok. I didn't care about what happened earlier in the day anymore...I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me. He had mentioned previously that he was going to be having dinner with Mariah and her bosses at 7pm. I called at 8:30pm. His phone rang, but he didn't pick it up. I left him a long message telling him that I really needed to hear his voice, that something awful happened, and that I really just needed him. I cried so hard on the phone message.
It is now 11:30am the next day and he didn't even call me back.
Enough said.
Gosh.
Now I sit here with swollen eyes and a very slight headache. Sobbing like that really takes a lot out of you. And I feel a little weird today. After an experience like that, it just kind of shakes one up. I am very excited to go home and to just climb in bed for the weekend. I need some rest. I need some low-key fun. Maybe watch a movie or two. Maybe smoke a bowl, drink some wine, maybe go out for a bit.
Life is so chaotic and sometimes I just feel as though I am going to get lost in the cycle.
Only been at work for 2 hours, but it definitely feels like the day should be over. Boring job. Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring...it actually is more fun to write the word "boring" than it is to actually do anything else.
Yesterday was the day of horrible things. Besides the fact that I got into a fight with Paul, I went home and got into a huge fight with my father. We were having a very simple catch-up type conversation, when he brought up my brother being in the ARMY. He was like "You need to be the one to call him. You need to be strong for him. You need to have your interactions with him be on his terms, etc etc." I don't know what possessed me, but I was like: "I know that I need to be better to Winfield, but it is hard. I didn't ask for him to go into the ARMY. HE made that decision. HE put his life at risk. HE HE HE HE HE..."
My dad goes, "If Winfield dies over there, you will beat yourself up for it. And you will have a problem with yours and my relationship at that point". I was like: "That is not right. Winfield wanted to go to Wake Forest. Winfield wanted to serve his country. Winfield did this to himself!" My dad goes: "This conversation is over. Love you." CLICK!
And he hung up on me.
I sat there shocked for about 10 minutes not even moving. Just staring at the wall. Then I called back my parents house only to find out that my dad had taken the phone off the hook. I called and called and called, but to no avail. Then I went out to talk to Rita and just LOST IT. I mean, really lost it. I was screaming and sobbing and fell into complete hysterics. Even writing the words can't explain how intensely I lost it. For ten minutes, I just SCREAMED and CRIED. I was so angry at everything and was so sad and frustrated that I thought that I had gone off the deep end for good. It was awful. Rita was exactly what I needed. She sat there next to me, hugging me, rubbing my back, not saying anything except "I'm sorry...I'm sorry". She lit my cigarette for me and just kept rubbing my back, letting me go off for as long as I needed to. She was an angel from God.
Then I jumped up and decided to call my parents house again. The phone was back on the hook and my mom answered it. I continued to SOB and SOB. I told her to tell my dad to go "Fuck himself" that he is "an asshole" that just pushed me over the emotional edge. I screamed and sobbed to her for about an hour. She totally calmed me down. She said all the right things. Nothing I said or did even seemed to phase her. She was so patient and helpful. And she took my side, which I needed. She told me that my dad is in a really raw, emotional state right now. That he is acting extremely irrational and jumping down everyone's throats whenever the topic of my brother is brought up. He is scared to death and this fear is causing him to lose his mind.
That's a long story that I don't even want to get into.
My mom saved my life last night. And so did Rita. I felt so ALONE when my dad hung up on me. Paul had just hung up on me 2 hours earlier and I started to think that I was losing everything. That all of the headway that I have made was for nought. :(
By the end of the conversation, she actually had me laughing. SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME!
I got off the phone and went to talk to Rita who was curled up in her bed watching Mermaids. We talked for a couple minutes and she just hugged me and loved me. And then I didn't feel quite as alone anymore.
Thank God.
At one point during my numerous phone calls to my parents house (when the phone was off the hook), I called Paul just so that he could tell me everything was ok. I didn't care about what happened earlier in the day anymore...I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me. He had mentioned previously that he was going to be having dinner with Mariah and her bosses at 7pm. I called at 8:30pm. His phone rang, but he didn't pick it up. I left him a long message telling him that I really needed to hear his voice, that something awful happened, and that I really just needed him. I cried so hard on the phone message.
It is now 11:30am the next day and he didn't even call me back.
Enough said.
Gosh.
Now I sit here with swollen eyes and a very slight headache. Sobbing like that really takes a lot out of you. And I feel a little weird today. After an experience like that, it just kind of shakes one up. I am very excited to go home and to just climb in bed for the weekend. I need some rest. I need some low-key fun. Maybe watch a movie or two. Maybe smoke a bowl, drink some wine, maybe go out for a bit.
Life is so chaotic and sometimes I just feel as though I am going to get lost in the cycle.
